As a self-professed decent sized fan of M Night Shyamalan’s work (yeah I even liked Lady in the Water…shut up, asshole) I always get pretty stoked when it comes time for him to drop another movie upon the masses. This year’s installment comes in the form of ‘The Happening’, a movie that had a pretty intriguing trailer with people jumping off buildings and dropping dead all over the place..what OOOH WHATTT I wonder is causing them to do this??!?!? If you haven’t seen it or read any reviews or spoilers for this flick yet, that might be a question you’re asking yourself. But FOR THE LOVE OF GOD let that be where this question dies for you. I can pretty much guarantee you that whatever scenario and whatever twist you’ve come up with in your mind is cooler than what Shammy gives you here. This film is absolute garbage, even by his standards. Heck, it doesn’t even FEEL like one of his movies..there really isn’t any intrigue building after about halfway though, there’s no greater mystery to figure out. He throws it out there, and you keep waiting and waiting and waiting for him to say oooh haha guys just kidding, it’s really about…(insert zany OMG moment here)!! The story/outlandish premise is one thing, whatever. But wtf is going on with everything else? Marky Mark and wide-eyed Zooey Deschannenenellll have the on screen chemistry of a hermit crab and a tennis ball, the dialog is campy and cheesy at best, and while I’d like to give UBERWRITERPRODUCERDIRECTOR Shams the benefit of the doubt as far as his actual intentions for the dialog, I thiiiink most of it is intended to be somewhat serious..annnd that’s not good. There’s one scene, and you’ll know it when you see it, that’s meant to be shocking and dramatic but it looks like something a bunch of kids filmed in their backyard and edited together on their parent’s PC. Just..ugh. I’m sure it’s a cliche you’ll hear a zillion times, but the title is ridiculously appropriate because I can almost guarantee that you’ll be like me and mumble to yourself ‘oh cmon, seriously? this is really happening right now? i’m ACTUALLY watching this occur on the movie screen??’ a solid 5-10 times during this movie. Sigh. But hey, on the bright side, if there is one, this is movie comes close to reaching the soo bad it’s humorously good level which might make your movie watching experience a little enjoyable. It’s one of those movies you wish you had an empty theater with just you and your friends to watch it in so you could MST3K that shit.
In conclusion..please, I implore you, spend your 10 bucks on something with a little more substance..like a cheap, one-legged hooker..or 2 $5 footlongs from Subway. Anything really.
M Night – STOP WRITING YOUR OWN MOVIES.